Alright this is gonna be pretty long! I think things are finally okay. I've now talked to both people that were involved (about 2 hours with each) and they know how I feel, and vice versa. Last night Patrick Kaylee and I walked to Speedway, and this is when I told Kaylee. She came back with a "you're a good friend, but I've never thought of you any other way." Understandable. So being myself I started to ask all these "what if" questions. What if she knew I liked her after she got over her last crush in January. What if she knew blah blah blah blah. You guys get the picture. And thats when I learned how both of them think of me. They say (with good intentions) that I'm too analytical, and pessimistic, and that I need to stop categorizing everything as good and bad, and right and wrong, and need to go just with the flow, make spontaneous choices. I guess that I should try to take their advice, although it seems like it's gonna be something really hard to do. Kaylee did help alot though because she kinda opened my eyes to how stupid I've been the past couple days, and it's also something that she's gone through before so her advice is really helpful. I left Patrick's house at 11 with the two of them holding hands, embracing their newfound love, on the trampoline, watching the stars. The evening ended being pretty good, although I made myself depressed once I got home, by listening to Everything Changes by Staind. I feel that the song truly aplies to me. The lyrics are below!
If you just walked away
What could I really say?
would it matter anyway?
would it change how you feel?
I am the mess you chose
the closet you can not close
The devil in you I suppose
'cuz the wounds never heal
(Chorus)
But everything changes
if I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
then I could learn to feel
Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real
(Chorus)
When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
through this part of the day
(Chorus)
Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
It's more than just a word
If you just walked away
What could I really say?
It wouldn't matter anyway.
It wouldn't change how you feel
This right here is what I did. Didn't say anything until they walked away and it was to late. I didn't matter what I siad because it wasn't somethign that could change how either of them felt.
The next part talks about turning bck the years, forgiving and learning to feel. I know that you can't change time, so all that that leaves is asking for forgivness. And after I asked for forgivness for acting the way I had, I started to feel better. It was like a burden was lifted off of my chest.
The second verse is all about things that you say in hard times, and succumbing to "games". I didn't say things in this case, and made things even harder on myself, didn't tell anyone anything until it was too late. Waking up Monday and Tuesday feeling depressed wasn't a happy feeling. Today was better. I'm not depressed, but I'm still not my normal self. There were times wwhen I was talking to Patrick though, that made it seem as if it were a game. I know of his "deathly fear of women" so when he told me things I almost thought that it was a game. I succumbed to it, and it turned out to be real.
Then the songs starts to close by saying when it's just you and me what could we really do. Well if it were just Kaylee and I talking about it that would have been really weird and we'd have gotten nowhere. So the answer to that is nothing.
The last and closing verse is a reiteration of the first verse :
If you just walked away
What could I really say?
It wouldn't matter anyway.
It wouldn't change how you feel
This last verse is the truth, it didn't matter, and it didn't change things. (Well it did, it's just not something that's noticable yet).
Well that's enough of all this. On a better note I've been talking to Kathleen alot more lately, it's kinda cool. She knows what I'm going through, and is a great person to talk to. Talked to her for 40 minutes while at work this morning, and over an hour online last night. I'm just glad that my friends are here for support.
Thanks guys (and gals) | 
